introspection: part uno

So, I guess last night I was whimpering in my sleep.

I woke Dean up and he pressed up against me and I stopped I think.

He woke up with me this morning to ask me if I was OK. I guess my crying out in my sleep worried him.

I told him i was fine, but I don't think I am.

I'm having a reoccurring dream.

It's about a family conflict and it coming to a head.

It's a purely subconcious dream, I know what it's about.

But, it's bothering me.

Im at odds with my family reality as it stands.

I am building a new one, a pretty darn good one, but the blood one is simply gone.

With the exception of Ivy I am estranged from my older siblings and my 3 nephews.

My oldest sister, well she has issues, that she may never get over. She has this need to be right at any cost. Most of the time it costs her more than it's worth, but she's right and thats the only thing that matters.

Right now, she is not speaking to me over a case of antique silverware that i took out of my fathers home before he past away. It's one of the few things I have of my parents, besides a framed sketch of a barn. It belonged to my fathers mother and it was one of the few things she was able to keep after they were relocated from the coast during the  second war. We used it for special occasions like thanksgiving, easter and christmas when the whole family used to get together.  A few years before my mom passed away the family was showing signs of fraying at the edges, and after she passed, the facade of us getting along broke apart.

Our last Christmas as a unified family was 98. My oldest nephew looked at me after dinner and asked me (at 14) what was going to happen to him and his brothers now that grandma was gone. I didn't know what to say, as my mom and dad sorta raised them when their parents couldn't.

Needless to say, they started raising them selves. My oldest nephew ran wild, the middle nephew deserted his parents and moved in with grandpa to try and help out while I was gone. The youngest, well I don't really know what happened there. I haven't seen him since he was 8. I Don't think I would recognise him if I ran into him on the street.

Their Dad, my brother, he has his own path to follow and it went wide of the mark before I ever came along. I never really knew who he was or what kind of man he could have been.

As for my sisters, I sorta know them.

 The youngest of the two is 12 years older than I am. She has had a very wild ride in this life and at some point it broke her spirit. She is hollow, waiting for something or someone to find her to give her back some light. I hope she finds it, but again her path is wide of where it started.

My oldest sister. She will never try to understand who I am or where I have been or what I have made for myself. She takes my mistakes and rubs my nose in them. She resents the relationship I had with my parents and has this need to hold onto grudges. At any cost she has a need to be right no matter what the price. She will throw away relationships to be right.

The silver "rightfully belongs to her because it was her grandmothers and you never even knew her" It will eventually find it's way into her hands where she will put it on a shelf with all the other "keepsakes" from mom and dads house and never be used again, until she passes away and some one has to deal with all her stuff and it gets sold at some "estate sale/ garage sale" to some stranger who will never know it's history.

I don't know her very well, I have spent time with her and i couldn't tell you any of her favorite things. I spent 2 weeks of every summer with her from the time I was 4 until i was 15. I can tell you she has a mean temper, that she is an excellent cook, that her and my father parted on bad terms that never will be healed due to his passing.

 my dad gave the silver to me to use for my first christmas at my first home that i bought along with my mothers nice set of dishes.

I like to use them both for family dinners and in the last 2 years they have stayed in storage.

With Ivy going to her father side of the family this year, I am kinda at odds as what to do.

I no longer have family functions to attend from christmas eve to new years day.

I wont be helping my mom polish the silver, or do the christmas baking.

I wont be waking up early to watch Ivy open her presents. Nor will I have something under the tree that I have anticipated getting.

i think the loss of all that was familiar is taking a toll on me, that inside I wish I cold have held on to parts of my blood family.

I miss my sisters, for as much as I knew them. But again, the refuse to talk about mom and dad in light terms and remember them fondly with me.

I wish I had known my nephews as they grew into men.

I miss my parents alot, they were the best of people and I wish that my friends now had known them.