I had a very good week - caught up on my work, had fun with my boss, got a majority of my house in order.
Been taking Ivy on the train with me in the morning, so we have a little more time together, where Fisher picks her up and takes her to her new school.
Getting back into 5:00 mornings and 9:00 bed times was a task.


Getting used to my "new" normal is getting harder.
It's ok when I am working and on our own all week, the weekends and time off are harder.
I know that making my target budget and keeping my goal in sight will pay off, but I'm lonely.
Not that Ivy isn't good company, I just miss having a partner in crime and someone to fully confide in without judgment. You know talking with an adult other than my co workers who I think are starting to suspect my zany nature.
I miss having a mom or one of my sisters to talk to.
I miss having a family home to go to on the weekends.
I miss my old home town with its' familiar sights and people.
I am in touch with a lot of the people I used to know, some of them even moved back to raise their families.
But without a family of my own to visit there or a house in the town, there really is no reason to go.
I never really appreciate those roots until they were gone.
Never realized how much I got to be a kid and didn't have to worry, running around the town all summer without a care.
I read about their lives and families online, hear about the basketball team and hunting season.
Part of me longs to just pick up everything and move back, but there isn't really any way of supporting myself and Ivy there.
I miss the comfort of close friendship, very much.
Life just explodes and your focus shifts.
or maybe, you are just unable to express what inside of you so you close up afraid to face your friends.
Try as I might this summer, I didn't shake this feeling, no matter what festival I was at or who I tried to spend time with.
I spent a lot of time smiling. Spent a lot of time knowing what my friends would say to me and how they feel about my situation.
"Making the best out of it" is the only thing I have right now. It's easy to say what to do if you are not the one who has to pull it off, it's another when you don't have a safety net of family or a financial wind fall.
And, I'm afraid of insecurity.
I have spent a life time building and starting over- time and time again- so many dreams and hopes like coins I spent and borrowed and gave away recklessly. Giving myself a base, to find it crumble beneath me 12 or so times.
I give myself a day or so to feel sorry for my self every few months- most of the time I sit here and blog it. I can go back and see a chronological account of my pity parties.
Some times it's a rant and a good cry and blame and woe.
But today it's a moment when I asked myself if I stopped believing in a happy ending for myself.
I squandered away 4 prince charmings, am I due any more?
Am I strong enough to walk this word by myself like some older women I knew?
Can I share in the joy fully for all of my friends happiness with an open heart without feeling resentment and envy?
I can't always answer these questions and today especially so.
When I look back, I always thought that by this age I would be settled in a profession, that I would have a nice house and a wonderful husband, well on my way.
But, no one has ever looked into my eyes and wanted to spend the rest of their life with me.
It is what it is.
 Each day is a new gift and I unwrap it hoping that this day will bring something new.
 Still, I have hope that one day there might be someone who fits all of me.